With the holiday season comes lots of exciting things – and that usually includes announcements of engagements and announcements of little ones on their way. And this year was definitely no exception! When browsing Facebook yesterday, I saw plenty of both… but more about babies. Which got me thinking… gee, it really seemed like before I got engaged (and desperately wanted to get engaged!) that everyone around me was getting engaged. After Ken finally popped the question, then it REALLY felt like everyone I knew was getting engaged or married. I guess that just means that I’m “at that age”. And then the babies started… for some of my friends, it was much earlier, but they got married before I did. For others, it was right around when I was getting engaged, getting married. Now that I have been married for over a year, it feels like – again – EVERYONE I know is getting pregnant!!
In case you don’t remember, I posted about our feelings on kids over a year ago here. Yesterday, I posted my thoughts from the paragraph above on my Facebook and I got a few responses. One was basically saying that yup, we’re at that age! Another was encouraging Ken and I to have children. And the last one that I read before I decided to make this post said there’s plenty of time for kids… so enjoy your marriage first.
Seriously. Those three comments sum up exactly how torn up I am in my heart about whether or not to have a family, and when. The overwhelming reason why I am so torn about having kids is honestly about my love for my husband and our relationship.
I want children because I love my husband and I want to create a family with him. I want to be able to see him in my children if he were to ever leave this world before me. I think our relationship will change and grow when we have children and I will love him even more than I do now. I don’t want to be alone when I am old, and although I can’t guarantee that my children will love me and want to care for me when I am old, it is at least a chance at having someone to make decisions about my care.
I don’t want children because I love my husband and the life that we have right now. I love that we can go anywhere at a moment’s notice. I love that we have what seems like all the time in the world to fix up our house just the way we want it to. I am happy with our relationship now and selfishly I want to keep him to myself. I don’t want to have children that grow up without a father – either figuratively because he is working so much, especially in the summer when they are off from school, or literally because of our age difference.
So I am very torn on whether or not we should have children. It’s not the whole “we want to wait until we’re ready” or “we need to have more money” because I am realistic and know that neither of those things will EVER be true. It really is just the constant battle going on in our heads… deep down, in our souls… do we want to have children? Are we destined to be parents? I hope that one day one side will be stronger than the other. That we will “just know” what our decision is. But I have a feeling that the man upstairs has a pretty good sense of humor, and we’re just going to have to be surprised like everyone else.