If you ever hear me say, “I don’t care what people think of me,” I am telling you a big. Fat. Lie.
I have spent most of my life in friendships and relationships where I didn’t feel good enough. Sometimes it was my own anxiety, sometimes I truly did suck as a friend or partner, but most of the time it was a toxic person making me feel that way.
That last statement was one of the hardest realizations that I have made recently. I have gone through a whole heck of a lot in the last three years. Today a post on Instagram caused me to take a step back and reflect, and here I am. Reflecting on how different my life is now than it was three years ago, reflecting on how much of my life I wasted trying to make other people like me, and trying to make other people happy.
It is the strangest thing to see memories pop up of people that I once thought were so important that are now just an acquaintance, or in some instances have been completely erased from my life. It is strange because I can still put myself back in those moments and still feel completely convinced that these friendships and relationships were eternal. That they were healthy, full of love, and so important. It makes me cringe to think that I sometimes even put those friendships before my marriage and my family. I put more emotion, time and energy into them than I did into my own marriage and my own family. That is messed up.
Like I said, a lot has changed in three years.
I have grown so much as a person that sometimes I do not even recognize the old me. I still have a lot of growing to do, I certainly am not perfect, and I still do probably care too much about what other people think of me. But now I recognize the friendships that aren’t good for me. I recognize when a person is toxic to me. I realize how lucky I am to not only have the friendships and the family that I do, but damn, my husband. I am so incredibly lucky to have my husband. He has never stopped loving me and supporting me. He has been by my side through everything. He stayed when so many others would have probably left. I can’t change what has been done but I sure as hell can change what is to come. I have and will continue to grow and be better. I will not go back to being the old me.
There are times when the remnants of the old me creep back in. When I see old pictures and wish things could have been different. I wish that I could have been the person that I am now back then. Maybe I could have made those friendships work. Maybe I could have saved myself from ever getting so close to people. But all of the “what ifs” keep me in the past, and I want to keep moving. I want to keep looking to the future.
I don’t post a whole lot of personal blogs anymore, but I think I’m going to change that. Otherwise this blog is just a training log, and I might as well keep that to myself. I love when I am able to inspire people but I also want to inspire myself. Getting personal is a way for me to do that. As you can probably gather from this very vague post, there has been a lot going on in the background of my running for the last few years. Because I like to keep my blog public, I tend to shy away from sharing a lot of that stuff. But it is time to “keep it real” – after all, that was the original title of this blog… “The Keeping It Real Dietitian”. So expect me to keep it real more often. Don’t worry, I won’t stop being the “RD on the Run”, but just like in training… you gotta mix it up sometimes!