Oh, hi!

Does anyone else think about someone in their life that they haven’t spoken to in a while over and over again, but still don’t reach out to them? That happens to me all the time. That happens to me with this blog. “Man, I haven’t written in forever. I probably should write something. I have so much to write… I don’t have anything to share… I’ll do it later.”

Recently I had this thought about a friend of mine and finally instead of just brushing it off, I actually texted her. When I went to type in her name and saw our previous conversation, I saw that she was the last one to send me a message and that it was in NOVEMBER 2023. I never replied to her. I sent her a long text apologizing for being an absent friend and telling her how often I think of her and still care about her. I braced myself for her response, or lack thereof. It wasn’t long before she replied, and her reply was sweet and understanding. What was I so afraid of?!

Oh yeah, that’s right. I probably have “rejection sensitive dysphoria”, a condition linked to ADHD, something I’m also pretty sure that I have. So when I logged into my blog and saw that my last post was from March 30th, and briefly read the post about “what I wish you knew about me”, I chuckled to myself. While I always feel like nothing drastic has changed recently and like I don’t have much to share or say, I realized in that moment when I logged in and saw my most recent post that a whole lot has happened, and I actually do have a lot that I can share.

When I wrote that post, I had either just switched my anti-depressant medication or was just about to. I had been taking Zoloft. It “worked”, I guess. It helped me to not feel suicidal. I also gained weight immediately after starting it, and continually for the duration that I was on it. I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t really… happy. I was just kind of existing. I also was really struggling with whether I wanted to continue seeing my therapist. She had truly helped me with so much over the close to seven years I’d been seeing her, but it was starting to feel like a burden. Yes, therapy is work, but I did not feel like I was working towards anything. It felt like I was just having conversations with someone that weren’t very productive, and there were other things that just weren’t sitting right with me about her approach.

All of this led to two big changes for me: I switched my anti-depressant to Wellbutrin, I stopped seeing that therapist, and eventually I found a new one who specializes in ADHD. Several people close to me (friends and coworkers) have asked me if I Have ADHD. Unfortunately, two people very influential to me (my previous therapist and my former best friend) had told me “You don’t have ADHD,” and I believed them. I started to see more and more on social media about the differences between adults and children diagnosed with ADHD, and the differences between men and women diagnosed with ADHD. Someone close to me was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and Wellbutrin had worked wonders for managing their symptoms, so I brought it up to my primary care physician at my annual visit, and she was more than willing to let me give it a try.

I noticed a difference in a few areas of my life pretty quickly after the switch to Wellbutrin. I cried happy tears after my first visit with my new therapist because I felt heard, and I felt validated. I still do not have an official ADHD diagnosis; however, I definitely have many of the symptoms, and working with a therapist who recognizes them, understands them, and validates them is a life changer. I have a lot of work still to do. I am unsure if I will ever pursue an actual diagnosis of ADHD – the only reason I see to have this officially diagnosed would be if I wanted to pursue different medications for ADHD. Regardless, all of this has made such a positive impact on my life.

I won’t promise that I’ll get better at updating my blog. I would like to, especially because I know that it really helps me to hear from people with similar life experiences and similar struggles as me. It makes me feel less alone. It quiets the guilt and shame. I’d love to share my experiences to help others in the same way. For now, I’ll share when I remember, when I feel like it, and I’ll keep working on figuring out how this “maybe ADHD” can actually be something that I can leverage versus something that feels like it is holding me back.