For so long, I thought something was wrong with me.
Why was it so hard to keep up with things everyone else seemed to manage so easily? Cleaning the house, being on time, finishing tasks, keeping my space organized, remembering appointments, switching between tasks – it all felt like an uphill battle. And no matter how hard I tried, I always felt like I was falling short.
Coworkers and friends started commenting on these behaviors. “You ever think you might have ADHD?” they’d ask casually.
But others – people who I thought understood me – would shut it down. “No, you don’t have ADHD.” “You’re not all over the place and hyper.” “You’re nothing like so-and-so, have you ever seen them when they skip their meds???” They were only seeing the me who put on a mask, and they were comparing me to people (men) with different symptoms.
But they didn’t live in my head.
They didn’t hear the constant noise, the mental chaos, the way it takes everything in me to complete what seems like a simple task sometimes. They didn’t see the tears of frustration when I was late again despite setting alarms, or the shame I carried every time I said I’d do something and didn’t follow through. They weren’t seeing the costs adding up from missing payments, forgetting to return something or to cancel a free trial. I truly believed I just “sucked at adulting.”
But I was wrong.
A week ago I had a formal ADHD evaluation. Today I met with a psychiatrist to review the results. He explained what the evaluation determined – not just yes you have ADHD or no you don’t, but also what type, and whether it is mild, moderate, or severe. He told me that even a mild diagnosis can cause significant stress and impact your life. He asked me what I thought the result would be, and I told him that I had been working with a therapist and we both were pretty sure the symptoms I had were ADHD symptoms. At the same time, I struggle with imposter syndrome, and thought, “Maybe it is just that I need to get my poop in a group, that I just suck at adulting.” He assured me that the evaluation would pick up on whether someone was trying to influence the results. And then he looked at me and said: “You have moderate inattentive type ADHD.”
And I felt relief. Pure, honest-to-God relief.
A weight lifted off my chest that I’ve been carrying for decades. I don’t just lack discipline or motivation. I’m not just lazy or flaky. I’m not a terrible friend or coworker. There’s a reason why things are harder for me – and now that I know what I’m dealing with, I can take further steps to manage it. There are options. Strategies. Support. Hope.
I told my therapist that if I received a diagnosis, I’d shout it from the rooftops. And that’s exactly what I’m doing now. I’m sharing my truth, loudly and proudly, in case there’s another woman out there silently wondering the same thing I did:
“What if I have ADHD?”
If you’ve been dismissed, told you’re just “anxious,” “emotional,” or “too sensitive,” I see you. If you’ve been exhausted from masking – pretending to be more organized, more focused, more together than you really feel – you’re not alone. If your “depression” sometimes feels more like shame and guilt over not being able to keep up, I get it.
I found women like me. Women who spoke their truth, and in doing so, gave me the courage to ask questions. To dig deeper. To seek help.
And now, I hope that by telling my story, I can do the same for someone else.
You’re not broken. You’re not lazy. And you absolutely don’t suck at adulting.
You might just have ADHD – and it’s worth it to find out.
RD on the Run 