Why is it so hard for me to write this when all I want to do is get it out of my head? It’s hard because I have all of these things in my head all of the time, and sometimes I say some of them out loud, but then I feel like I am just word vomiting the same thing over and over again to the same people, and doing nothing about it.
Why can’t I just listen to myself, and do what I want to do? I don’t listen to myself because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself because so many people have corrected me or told me “Don’t think like that. Don’t do that. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll figure out how to stop doing it eventually.”
I know I can’t make changes and improve and be better overnight. It’s not magic. It’s not as simple as, “I want to be a person who is better about time management, I want to be a person who is better about keeping my house clean, I want to be a person who is better about staying organized… (the list goes on).” and then BAM! I’m transformed.
I don’t know how to get where I want to go. I thought I was on the right track. I didn’t listen to myself when I didn’t like what was said to me, and I didn’t speak up because I cannot stand the thought of conflict. I finally made a decision, I made a change, and it seemed like it was the right one. Now I am unsure of myself because I am always unsure of myself. And I don’t trust the people who are supposed to be able to help me, because they sell me on the idea that they will listen, that they won’t judge, that they will treat me as a unique individual. And then they don’t.
I’m not unique. There’s nothing wrong with me. All of the tests come back normal. If the medication seems to be working, then just go with it. Don’t question it. Getting an answer or diagnosis or a label won’t change anything, I’ll still have the same issues, so I should just treat them, without worrying about why they exist or where they come from.
What I wish you understood about me is that I don’t want to be the friend who doesn’t keep in touch. I don’t want to be the person who is always late and can’t manage her time. I don’t want to be the person with a messy house that waits until the last minute and then panic cleans before company comes over. I don’t want to be the person with a to-do list forever long that procrastinates and somehow pulls off something decent at the last minute. What I wish you understood about me is that even though I know what I don’t want, I don’t know how to get what I do want. I’m trying to figure it out, and I’m trying to find help, but it isn’t going to happen overnight. What I wish you understood about me is that I am not looking for answers so that I can make excuses, I’m looking for answers so I can be better. I want to be better for you, yes, absolutely, more importantly I want to be better for me.
I’m tired of being tired and feeling like there’s no reason for me to be tired. I’m tired of fighting a battle with myself, the battle of “I’m not okay, but I’m not as bad as other people, or I’m not bad enough to need or deserve help.” I’m tired.
RD on the Run 