Reflections

I recently shared a journal entry that I had written towards the end of 2019. I was coming off what most people would consider an amazing year of running. I had gotten personal best times in every distance I ran that year. Looking back, though, I considered that a difficult time. Although I had recently run my 5th marathon and gotten an awesome PR, it wasn’t the race I had hoped for. I had started off the year training for a sub 5 hour marathon. I hired a running coach. Things were going great until they weren’t anymore. I was injured and unsure if I could even run a marathon. I dropped out of running a race I had been looking forward to (Ragnar) and it not only changed the trajectory of my running, but it also affected my friendships. When I wrote the journal entry in 2019 that I shared on my Facebook page recently, I wasn’t in a good place at all, but I had high hopes for the year to come.

I don’t think that I am alone when I share that I had so many plans and goals for 2020 that just did not pull through. In fact, 2020 was one of the hardest years of my life, as I am sure it was for many others. I started the year thinking I’d be training for and finally achieving that sub 5-hour marathon. Instead, no marathons happened. No races, other than virtual ones, happened. Those friendships that were already struggling at the end of 2019 really took a hit. I was in survival mode, just like so many other people, not just because of COVID but because of other personal struggles that I and my family faced.

I’ve shared over and over again how just when everything seemed to be looking up, life took a turn again. It seems to be the pattern of my life since 2020. I think that something or someone is going to be a constant in my life, and then there’s a shift, and everything changes. When I shared the post on my Facebook of my journal entry from the end of 2019, I reflected on how different my life is. How different my goals are. How different my body is. And I shared on my Facebook what I will share now – I grieve the loss of who I was at the end of 2019, I’d be lying if I said I was completely happy with where my life has ended up. At the same time, I am okay with where I am. I’m not disappointed in myself or upset that I didn’t achieve those goals I set. I also don’t wish for those same goals anymore.

So here I am to reflect on how my life has changed and how my goals have changed.

• Physically, I am very different than I was in 2019. 2020 took a huge toll on my mental health, and in early 2021 I started taking anti-depressants. Almost immediately after that I started gaining weight, without huge changes to my eating or exercise habits. After my mom died, my eating and exercise habits did change, and that only added to the weight gain. Most of the time, I am happy and confident no matter what my body looks like or what the number on the scale says. I’ve been through a lot, and my priorities have been elsewhere, and that is perfectly okay. I would be lying, though, if I said I didn’t notice a difference in my energy or my fitness. Those are things I hope to change in 2024 – to fuel my body better and move my body in ways that make me feel good so that my energy and fitness levels improve. I don’t expect to ever be what I used to be, because I am not the same person in so many ways, but I know that I can be a better version of myself than I am right now.
• In 2019, I was only kind of entertaining the idea of going back to school. Today I am only a semester away from graduating with my master’s degree. I can’t tell you how proud I am of this accomplishment, and how glad I am that it is almost over. It has been a tough couple of years balancing work, school, exercise, eating, a social life, and my marriage.
• I never thought that I would leave the job I had in 2019. I thought that would be the job I had until I retired. I can’t tell you how much I wish that were true. I miss the job I had back then SO MUCH, but I don’t miss what I went through when a new supervisor was hired in 2021 until I finally threw in the towel in 2022. I am so grateful that I was able to leave on my own terms and find a job that I do really love. Taking a pay cut was tough, but less hours with the same benefits made a huge difference in being able to complete my degree as quickly as I have. I still miss being a bariatric dietitian, though, and the amazing team that I was part of.
• As far as running goals, I don’t know if I’ll ever aim for running a sub 5-hour marathon again. Marathons are hard enough as it is, let alone trying to run faster. I never imagined I’d get into trail running, but here we are – I’ve got three trail races under my belt, now. One was a trail half marathon, and that race was as hard as some of the road marathons I have run. When I finished that race I swore I would never run another trail race longer than a 10k. We’ll see if that changes… right now my big focus is to get back into a regular running routine. To work on strength training and cross training. To get a little bit faster. In 2025, I’d like to run my first ultra marathon – yeah, I know, I just said I didn’t want to run a trail race longer than a 10k, but the ultra I’m looking at isn’t like the trail I ran my half on this fall.

Every year I say I am going to update this blog more, that I am going to commit to my social media more. Every January I am filled with the excitement of a blank slate, and this year is no different. I am not making any promises, but I really hope that you’ll be seeing more of this RD on the Run in 2024.